Friday, September 28, 2012

What Are You - Am I - Waiting For?

I'm waiting...

...for our family schedules to slow down.
...for Princess Mia to get a little older.
...until I catch up on all my household responsibilities.
...until I'm not homeschooling any more. grow up (is that forty, fifty, ...?).
...until I have acquired more wisdom.
...until I'm better at ______.
...until I have it 'together' more.

Why am I waiting? Because my name is Angela and I am a...............procrastinator. Well, at least that's what I tell myself. The funny thing is I'm also an idea person - I have a never-ending list of things I want to do, need to do, or feel called by God to do. Most of those things are not even 'bucket list' kinds of things, just cool things I'd like to try, hobbies I'd like to expand, passions I'd like to pursue.

So if I want to do all those things on my list so badly, why am I not doing them? Let's face it - I am an expert at coming up with fairly legitimate excuses as to why I'm not following my dreams, achieving my goals, pursuing my passions, or even just creating fun projects. Our family schedule is hectic; it is hard to accomplish a lot with a 4-year old underfoot; I do have household responsibilities to take care of.

Yes, those things are important; but are they just masking the real reasons that I don't make time to do some of the things that I know I enjoy - like writing more on this blog, dabbling in new art forms, facilitating an online Bible study, and the list goes on?

As I examine my list of 'excuses', I realize that the first half can be remedied with better time management, more delegation of household responsibilities, prioritizing and modifying expectations. But the second half is a little more nebulous. When will I know what I want to be when I grow up? Maybe I already do but am just too afraid to act on it. When will I be knowledgeable enough or 'good' enough or have it 'together' enough? I seriously doubt those things will ever happen. Does that mean I just say forget it and keep plugging along in life? It's not like I'm unhappy or dissatisfied with my life.

But the question I've been pondering for some time has been, "Am I striving to achieve my God-given potential in ALL areas of my life?"

When you take a question like that to God, it's kind of funny how He uses many different avenues to answer - even fortune cookies. This was the saying from my fortune cookie several weeks ago:
(Disclaimer - I do not typically put stock in random, oddly-worded phrases on little strips of paper in sawdust-flavored cookies.)
I translated that into, "If you don't have time now to pursue the passions/interests that I've (meaning God) placed in your heart, then when do you plan on making time?" That's a good question - and one I didn't have a good answer for.

In the mean time, I've also been reading Renee Swope's book, A Confident Heart. In it, she unpacks all the 'reasons' we don't pursue God's plans and desires for our lives. This has been quite convicting. I've never considered my self insecure. Perhaps that's because I've always chosen to pursue things where I don't doubt my abilities - where I knew enough, where I was good enough.

But what about those things that I'm less sure of? Is my confidence - or lack of - holding me back from God's plan for my life? Maybe - but I won't know until I try. And so what if I fail, God doesn't care. These aren't lessons that I'm learning overnight. I still have a lot of work to do. In fact, it took me days to even have the guts to write all my thoughts about this down. One things for certain though - I know that I'm not going to wait anymore. I'm ready to start fulfilling my potential - or at least give it a try!

What are you waiting for?

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
 and whose hope is the Lord. ~ Jeremiah 17:7

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